Lemonade...

In general, life stinks. We all know that there are hard times, but have we ever really realized how bad life is most of the time? I mean, come on, when was the last time you were completely happy and relaxed for more than two hours, or even 20 minutes? I daydream about being completely happy. You know what it's like? I'm laying on the grass in a huge field. There are no bugs, the dirt is compact and doesn't get on my clothes or skin. There are wild flowers everywhere and the sun is shining all around, but not actually out, because it hurts my eyes. Waves crash somewhere nearby, but there is no sand. I hear the occasional bird tweeting, and there is nothing I have to do, no work, no school, no errands to run and no one to look after. See how complicated that is? Complete happiness is practically impossible, so why do we even try?

I had my heart broken recently. I told him how I felt. He told me we were friends. When the guy you like has another girlfriend, or maybe just doesn't even notice you, it stinks. I know. It's happened to me before, but this was different. There's hope attached to those scenarios. This time, there is no hope. I don't just wait until he notices me, I don't wait until he breaks up with the other girl. We're friends. He knows me, and he doesn't want me. I know how heart break is supposed to feel. It's suppose to feel like someone "ripped my heart out and stomped on it." That's not how it feels. It feels like there's a giant fist holding it and squeezing it so tightly you can't even breathe, but you don't want it to let go because you know that letting it go means it's over, and when it lets go, it's going to break apart. I realized that my most recent experience was not like the times before. This time, it went deeper. It would be great to be with a guy who hugs you and kisses you and holds your hand. That's great. I get it. I want it, but that's not all anymore. I just want to be with him. I enjoy his company. I loved his laugh and smile, and his humor. I loved the way he thought about things, how he was kind to everyone and how he remembered things about me that I hardly remembered about myself.  Why do we even bother going through all of this? What happened to arranged marriages?

"When life gives you lemons..." What? What, Life? Lemons are sour and the only thing you can make from lemons is lemon juice. You can sprinkle it on fish and spinach to make the taste more tolerable, but that's it. Lemons suck. Lemonade doesn't come from lemons alone. You need sugar and water. Water is everywhere. It's abundant. It's called living, but still, that's gonna be one nasty beverage. WHERE'S MY SUGAR? 

Lately, all I seem to be getting is lemons and water. What's up with that? I don't want anymore lemons! No more lemons! No more water! I WANT SUGAR! 

So... sugar. Where does this lovely sweetener come from? I guess sugar is hope. It's the small things in life that make everyday tolerable. Sometimes your lemonade is sour because you forget to put the sugar in. You forget that good things will happen again, or you overlook the good things that are happening now. 

DON'T FORGET THE SUGAR. Staying up late on weekends and watching movies in bed. Being so hungry, and taking that first bite of your Red Robin hamburger you've been waiting a half an hour for. The previews before that movie you've been waiting 6 months to see. Getting off work on a Friday. Having the baby you nanny walk unsteadily up to you several times a day and lay her head on your shoulder to give you a hug. Pizza with sausage, olives and green peppers. Throwing an outfit together in a hurry and realizing it looks amazing. Getting a stack of books from the library. Going to a restaurant all by yourself and getting a corner booth where you can play Candy Crush and no one will bother you. Your brother giving you a hug when you're having a rough day, even though you know he's not a huggy person. The smell of laundry detergent on newly washed blankets. 

There are things like this everyday. Someday, I hope to find a guy that I can make amazing lemonade with. He'll hold my hand everywhere we go. He'll make sure I know that we are much more than friends, and when he gives me hugs, he'll squeeze me incredibly tight, but when he lets go, I won't break apart. 

So, here's to the sugar in life. Here's to the fact that without the lemons, we would have sugar water, and all be really boring. And here's to me and my friend Jaimie, who have been getting a boat-load of lemons lately, but guess what... we are gonna have a whole lot of delicious lemonade someday.