So, Oklahoma. It's okay I guess. I lived in Tulsa for a year and a half then moved to Oklahoma City. I've been here for what? 9 months I guess. Weird. I have yet to find a husband, and even worse is that friends are almost as hard to come by. I am heading down to Dallas to see my Texas friends this week, and as horrible as it sounds, it almost makes me more sad than before. I am dreading leaving them even before I go to see them. I don't see them nearly enough. Denee has a baby. A BABY! What? How is that even a thing right now? But seriously, I'm sincerely happy for her.
You know how sometimes you're on facebook and you look at all these people getting engaged and having babies, and you just think, "Yeah. We get it. You have someone who loves you and you get to create life with them, and have a perfect little family. Get over yourself." Then there's those people who get engaged and announce they are pregnant and you think "Oh my gosh! That's amazing, I'm so happy for them!" The way I see it, there are four kinds of friends on facebook:
1. Your "real life friends". The ones who you actually enjoy seeing in real life. The ones you make plans with to actually do stuff with. The ones whose pictures you sometimes actually make comments on, and don't just push the "like" button as you scroll past. You are excited to see that they are engaged. You look at the pictures of those pink or blue balloons flying out of the question mark box and exclaim to your sister, "Guess what (friend's name) and (spouse of friend's name) are having?! It's a boy/girl!"
2. The "acquaintances". These are the people you know, but it's not like you would call them up to see a movie. You like them. They're fine. Maybe you were better friends before, like when you were kids or in junior high. They have babies too. You scroll past and say "Aw." as their baby's photos flash past. When they get engaged, you keep scrolling while calmly saying to your sister "Huh. Did you know so and so was engaged? That's cool."
3. Let's just call them the "Sighs". You sigh every time you see one of their pictures because you are so freaking jealous of them it hurts. You disguise this with disgust. When they announce that they are engaged you roll your eyes and say "Of course they would get engaged. Oh, and look at their fiancé. They look like they belong in a magazine. Ew."
4. The "stragglers". They are just there. Nothing much happens with them. They could be the boy you like, but don't really know, so you decided to friend them in order to facebook stalk them better, who you eventually lose interest in, so they just stay there. They are the friends of your parents that you haven't seen since you were ten, and you wouldn't recognize them on the street. They comment at how long it's been. They also post an incredible amount of pet videos, and comment on all of them, but they aren't actual words, just emojis. These are the friends of friends that you met once, and you can't actually "like" or comment on their posts because eventually they are gonna look at that and go, "Who the heck is that?" and you can't have that because you do remember them, and so you don't want to bring attention to yourself because it will hurt your pride if they unfriend you.
Where was I before this tangent? Oh yeah. I'm not married. I don't have a kid. I live with my sister. I have almost lost all hope at getting married. In fact, I can't even imaging myself dating anyone... like ever.
I met someone yesterday. This guy was genuine. He just moved here. He's handsome. Nice smile. Good sense of humor. We talked about hipster bands and he was charming. He was the first person in a long time that I thought, "Yeah. I could like him." (I don't dare say that I would be "willing" to date him because my guardian angel would be right there laughing and saying "YOU would be willing to date HIM? Sure, but would HE feel the same way about YOU? Not bloody likely." I realize how much self confidence that makes me sound like I have. A total of zero. That would be right.) He was normal. He didn't make me, at any point, feel like I wanted to punch him in the face, which is a big step up from some of the guys around here. Anyway, point is, I had high hopes. (Not too high. I mean, I did just admit how much self-esteem I have.) I looked him up on facebook. I didn't want to seem to eager, so I waited a full 20 hours before I asked to be his facebook friend. He accepted. I was IN. But wait. Who is this girl who keeps popping up on him newsfeed? His sister? No. Cousin? Perha--NOPE. Girlfriend. Back home, where he will go back to and I will never see him again, and eventually he will see my picture on his friends who are online bar and say "Oh yeah. I talked to her once." "Are you sure you want to unfriend Catherine?"
And that will be it. Just like so many other people I get my hopes up too quickly for.
I don't like having too many facebook friends. It seems unnecessary. I would like to just have my "real life friends" on there, but I feel bad, like I'm dissing those who are not my close friends. Truth is, I don't really care if people I barely know get engaged. More likely, it's that I care too much about it. I wonder how it's fair that these people who I know just enough to think they have a perfect life get to have more perfection granted unto them. I know, I know. No one has a perfect life and I'm being really judgmental. Yeah, well this is MY blog. A total of 3 people will probably ever see this anyway. I went off of facebook for like 4 months. Probably wise. I made the excuse that I was getting back on to stay in touch with friends from school over summer and since some of them are not going to be in my classes next semester. That's true, but there is also this other nagging, annoying, self-inflicting pain part of me that wants to be on there to compare myself with others. Masochistic? Yeah. That's right. I'm a masochist. I start out with the intention of proving to the world that I am important and have stuff going on, and then when that doesn't happen I become a masochist who goes on there to look at the pictures of that one guy who broke my heart, like totally screwed me up and told me we were just friends when he didn't act that way at all, yeah him, those pictures of him proposing to his girlfriend from a few months ago, all in order to remind myself, yet again, that I will never get to be with him, or probably anyone.
Bummer.
